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| Ok, it has been awhile, and while I've wanted to update, I just haven't gotten to it. There is actually plenty to talk about, and I promise I will get to it within the next few days, before the start of school (Monday). But there is something else I'd like to say.
Yesterday afternoon, Leroi Moore, sax player for the Dave Matthews Band, died from complications arising from the injury sustained back near the end of June. Originally it looked like all was well, but a return trip to the hospital last month because of complications cast doubt on the situation. Yesterday's news still comes as a shock to all his fans, however.
My letter to LeRoi.
LeRoi Moore. In French it means "the king". You were cool, you were soul, you were jazz and you were a musician. You were loved, and you will be greatly missed. The Dave Matthews Band will never be the same again without you, and nor will all the people you have touched in your life, from your family to your fans. You were the heart and soul of the band, able to ignite the passion in us all, and eager to transfer your love of life into musical energy for us to enjoy. You could build a fire with a single run of notes; You could silence the loudest voice with the softest melodies.
We all take this wonderful life for granted. We move in and out of our days as a full force gail, rarely pausing to enjoy the moment. The uncertainty of the future and our judgement of the past combine to overshadow what we have right in front of us. Your passing brings tears, it brings reflection, and it brings the deepest heartache and despair. Yet it also brings another in the long line of realizations about how lucky we are with our own lives and how lucky we were to have you in them.
Every year people planned their lives with you as a part of them, going to shows, listening to albums, discussing your performances. You were as much a part of our lives as anyone else. You spoke to us all through your saxophone, your flute, your pennywhistle. You were a connection for many of us. You were a connection for me, creating a bridge which I was able to cross to be with my beloved father. Your melodies became my memories. My father's love for music, his appreciation for jazz, his zest for life, and those precious moments when he shared them all with me, came to me through you. Thank You.
You have touched us all in only the best ways. Being able to have a positive impact on others is one of the legacies that vindicate the meaning of life. To ensure the cycle of continuation by pouring good onto those whom you come across, and you’ve done so with such a special class that no one will ever forget. I will never forget.
And now you do as you have done so many nights, year after year, for the last seventeen years. You pack up and move on to the next gig. But this time it is different. This time you move on to that great gig in the sky, never to return to us here. But I know that wherever you end up, you will keep on playing. Whether your next gig is playing for the Gods, playing for the Angels, or just playing for all of the Cosmos to hear, you will bring the same heart and soul, that same intense passion that you brought to us all on Earth. And wherever you find yourself in that great beyond, we all pray for you here, that you find your peace there, at last.
Goodbye LeRoi...Godspeed thy King. | | |
| Hey, unseen eyes, I've got a few things to say about what is going on in the here and now. But that is for another time. Right now I thought I'd post a review of a Dave Matthews Band concert Chris and I went to back in the summer of 2000. It was down at Polaris Amphitheatre near Columbus. (RIP Polaris). Anyways, it was the first time I traveled out of the local area to see a DMB show, and really got me hungering for more. Two years later ("02) is when Chris, Troy and I ended up embarking on our 16 show tour, where we drove all over the country hitting up different venues to see Dave Matthews Band, as well down to Tennessee to see Bonnaroo (the very first one). But back to this particular show. It was the tour opener for the band during the summer 2000 tour, and ended up being a classic. In part because we witnessed the birth of four new songs played, two of which (Grey Street and Bartendar) would go on to be--as I predicted back then--fan favorites and classics. Digging a Ditch remains a tune I like, though it never caught on much with the rest of the fans. Sweet Up and Down disappeared by the second half of the 2000 Summer Tour, not to be played again until the Dave Matthews and Friends Winter Tour of '03/'04. It didn't show up as a Dave Matthews Band song again until this past summer ('07). Sadly, while still somewhat entertaining, it was a shell of itself, missing LeRoi's amazing outro that he tagged on in the early versions. Still, I'm hoping to see the band add some more, and perhaps finally put it on a record. Well, enjoy the review: 6/20/00 So I just got back from Polaris with Chris. It was about a two hour drive, minus the concert traffic getting in. Oh what a fucking show! Dave Matthews Band was on fire tonight, and we got a chance to hear a bunch of classics, as well as the debut of four new tunes, all of which were great. This marked my first trip out of the local area (RE: Gund/Blossom) to see the band. On the way back, we both decided it would not be our last. In the future, I look to travel more and more with Chris to see different DMB shows around the country. And with luck, we can convince T-Roy's fag ass to come with us. All pending on the money situation, of course. So in typical fan form, I will go over the night song-by-song, and any comments I deem important to make. 1.) WAREHOUSE: A great start right out of the gate. This has to be one of my favorite songs. I remember a couple years ago, Jeff said this was in his top 3. The more I listen to it, the more I just can't stop. This version was pretty good. Maybe not as good as the '98 one at Blossom, but still up there. Troy and I are both suckers for the double-bass drum pedal at the end. And all I can say is, it sounds so much better when you are actually there! The part where Dave just strums along, and Boyd is plucking...it touches the soul in a way that makes you forget about all the troubles, you know? Everything weighing down so heavy on your head. 2.) What Would You Say: Pretty standard version. But it's still catchy, still great. When the first few notes started, I couldn't help but hope John Popper would run out on-stage and bust out some amazing harmonica. Alas, he was nowhere to be found. But then, that was just wishful thinking. Maybe one day I'll get to hear him on this with them. This is not to say the song was a let down. No, LeRoi's sax part was pretty funky, and it was pretty easy to move to. This song means a whole lot of nothing. I mean, it has meaning, but it isn't exactly the heaviest of songs in their catalog. But I think that is the point on this one. This song reminds me of SO MUCH TO SAY, thoug I think I like this song better. 3.) #41: Ok, this was definitely one of the highlights of the night for me. Amazing song, and perhaps my favorite at the moment (they rotate contstantly), so it was great to hear it. Plus, Dave either fucked up the lyrics in the last verse, or changed them on purpose. Either way, it was hard to make out exactly what was said, but I make out him talking about how he was glad to see us, because "I know this Winter has been hard on you". After all the pointless end of the year/world coming to an end shit, with the added shit that has been going on this winter, it just felt personalized. I bet most people felt that way, too. I can't describe it any other way, it was just like he was saying "I know you've all been going through some shit, but here we are, let's have a good time tonight". Anyways, this song is amazingly beautiful. If I had to guess, it was the typical ten minutes or so in length. A standard musical version, but so sweet. If anybody listens to this song and doesn't like it, they should go jump off a cliff. 4.) So MUCH TO SAY: Well, this was nice. I was hoping for Song That Jane LIkes in this spot, but I wasn't disappointed with this. Again, I think Dave either messed up the riff, or came in at the wrong time, because he screwed the vocals at the beginning. I know some people get pissed at that stuff, but I love it. I love the big-ass smile that lights up Carter's face whenever Dave screws up. And Dave just getting embarrassed, looking like a dumbass. Good stuff. To be honest, I'd been listening to many versions where this goes into the Bridge, followed by Too Much. So I was hoping that would occur here as well. My wish was not granted in that respect. Maybe another time. 5.) Dancing Nancies: Well I'd take Nancies over SMTS-->Bridge-->Too Much anyday. A hell of a fucking version, here. Boyd was tearing shit up, like the man was possessed. I don't know if I could have dancing any more manically to this one. Something about this song just makes me move. Ha ha, I suck so much at dancing, but who cares. That's why I love these shows, it's all about having a good time, not giving a fuck about anything else. During the intro, Dave changed Paris to "Could I have been lost somewhere in Columbus", naturally igniting the crowd into a frenzy! 6.) Sweet Up And Down: Well, I know this is the name of the tune because he said so at the beginning. A great fucking song. Reminds me a bit of Tripping Billies, etc. Dave does a little scatting in this one, which is fantastic because I love scatting. This is a short one, I'd say no more than four and a half minutes. And despite a beautiful Roi feature taking the song out, I don't see this ever really going on much longer. I mean, any of their songs could always be jammed out, but some never seem to change, and I don't think this will change much. The lyrics remind me a bit of WWYS. 7.) Don't Drink The Water: Ok, this version was hot! I know some of the fans don't like this song, but I love it. I love the subject matter (c'mon, what other band writes songs about the plight of the Native Americans, as seen from the eyes of the white men committing the horrific crimes?), and I love the steady-yet-strong drumbeat Carter pounds out. Plus, this song pumps me up, plain and simple. Hearing this makes me want to go right all the wrongs in the world. This version was strong, and unique--as it was played on the 12-string. I had heard Dave was working on a few songs using the 12-string in the studio, but I'm glad he gave his oldies a try on it. That being said, I think it works either way. 8.) TYPICAL SITUATION: Ok, so this is definitely one of my all-time favorite DMB songs, and when I heard him strumming the intro, I was fucking psyched!!! I've wanted to hear this so bad, and that wish was finally granted. And it did not disappoint, that's the truth! They jammed it out, like "back in the day", with Boyd plucking, and the whole crowd was dancing in time. Such a great concert moment! This had to be at least 12 minutes long. The intro lyrics were pretty great, too. I'm not sure I have this verbatim, but I know it is close
"she stares
feels the tear fall from her chin
and wonders how
with all these hours and all these days
these years
a lifetime adds up to my friend
it all comes down to nothing" 9.) GREY STREET: This song fucking RULES! First time played, and it was fucking mind-blowing! I'd say the song is about 4-5 minutes itself, then jammed out for another minute, mostly LeRoi on the Sax, but such a great part. It was obvious the lyrics are still a work in progress, but it doesn't really matter. The song is great, and I think this will quickly become a classic! This song just pumps me up. Great placement, following a long, jammed-out Typical. Again, the lyrics were hard to make out at times, but it sounds as though it's Dave narrating a story about a troubled, depressed girl. No matter what she does, nothing gets better, and everything just sort of runs together, making everything Grey. These lyrics are not interpreted by me, rather by somebody posting on the boards who made it back last night right after the show. So some may be wrong:
"Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just sit there as she muses
Oh just how things came to this
She thinks, "Hey
I don't know how I came to this
I don't know how I ended up for [?]
And wandering out of this" Oh then the rocks in her heart fall
Evidence she rode in light
And the colors mix together
To grey
To wake me up Oh [?] indifference
She prays to God most every night
Although she swears he doesn’t listen
There’s hope in her that he just might
She says, "I pray
Oh but my prayers fall on deaf ears
I'm supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place" She feels the rocks in her heart fall
Oh she wants to make it right
She thinks of this over and over
Everything she can't get out for a price
And the colors mix together
To grey
To break me out Oh make the man outside
Says, "Take what you can from your dreams
And make them real as anything
It takes the work out of the courage"
She says, "Please
There's a crazy man waiting outside my door
I live on the corner of a dead end street
Oh and the end of the world" Oh then the world make it over
What is evidence she's right
Oh and appears the words of her father
Wondering what will even make it alright
Oh when I walk out in the morning
Won't the shiver raising bright
All the colors mix together
To grey
To break me out
To wake me up
To wake me up We send all this all over
Have a moment it makes things rain
Just like dust chasing the car out [?]
I could let the wind carry me from this town
Oh and throw it down but don't fall
Oh move out in your way [???]
Oh when my heart gives out moreover
Wanna leave it yes it's right
All the colors mix together
To grey
To grey
To grey
To grey yeah " -->The badass part is that the whole last part of the song he's singing each line in desperation, building it up, line by line, and then just releases in a climax when shouting "To Grey, Yeah". You have to hear it to truly get a feel for it. 10.) LIE IN OUR GRAVES: Ok, nothing much to say about this one that I haven't said before. This is probably tied for my favorite with #41 and Warehouse as far as my favorite songs go. When Boyd starts going crazy, strumming and running back and forth all over the stage, everyone goes wild. Then he starts strumming head-to-head with Dave, both of the dancing in a rotating circle as they crescendo. It's the FUCKING SHIT! And then after Boyd's feature is done, LeRoi starts in with his beautiful sax. And it just makes me want to cry. I know it sounds dumb, but if there was a song DMB has that is beautiful enough to make me cry, it would be this one. The thing is, when Dave sings, asking "would you not like to be free, sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free", I don't think there is a soul in the crowd who doesn't feel like they aren't doing it, you know? That's why I love this band, it's music just pics you up and takes you there. 11.) TOO MUCH: Well, we got this, no Bridge at the beginning. Oh well. I like this song, I can't believe I used to hate this song back when I first got into the band. This was always the song I didn't like. But hearing it live changed my opinion, and tonight's version was great. Nothing unheard of here, pretty standard. But standard is good. Funky as shit, though it feels a bit slowed down compared to years past. I may just be fooling myself about that, though. 12.) BARTENDER: Ok, well this was the first time it was played full band. Dave and Tim had been playing it acoustically last spring, and it finally reared it's head full-band. And...holy....fucking....shit. This song is going to be epic! Mark my words, this is going down in the band's history as another instant classic. I don't even know how to describe it. But it's dark. Very dark. It's about a depressed guy talking to God--who happens to be a bartendar--asking advice, and then pleading to his loved ones to forgive him if he commits suicide. Some heavy subject matter here, and I felt I could identify with some of it personally, what with the whole Whitney situation. Again, these aren't lyrics I guessed on, just a fellow poster on the boards. But they are pretty close, as far as I can tell.
"If I go
Before I'm old,
Oh, brother of mine,
Please don't forget me if I go. Bartender, please,
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus
That set him free after three days in the ground. Oh, and if I die
Before my time,
Oh, sweet sister of mine,
Please don't regret me if I die. Bartender, please,
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus
That set him free after three days in the ground. Bartender, please,
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus
That set him free after three days in the ground. I'm on bended knees,
I pray, Bartender please. When I was young,
I didn't think about it;
Now I can't get it out of my mind. I'm on bended knees,
Father, please. Oh, and if all this gold
Should steal my soul away,
Oh, dear mother of mine,
Please redirect me if this gold... Bartender, you see,
The wine that's drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas
From the Devil's tree,
His roots deep, deep in the ground. Bartender, you see,
The wine that's drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas
From the Devil's tree,
It's roots deep, deep in the ground, ground. I'm on bended knees,
Oh, Bartender, please. I'm on bended knees,
Father, please. When I was young,
I didn't think about it;
Now I just want to run and hide. I'm on bended knees, oh, Bartender, please,
Bartender, please... " For the record, this song used to be called Reconile Our Differences when it was being played by Dave and Tim during thier spring acoustic tour last year. 13.) JIMI THING: I love this song, and this version didn't disappoint. I'm pumped we got this, LIOG, #41, Typical, Warehouse, Nancies, and Two Step all in one night. I must admit, though, that I think they could do more during the jam. There are parts where it just feels empty w/o Timmy's electric guitar shredding everything to shit. I mean, I love hearing Dave actually taking a short solo for once, jamming it out. But there is just an empty feeling to me. But never have I wanted to get more high than when I hear this song. But it's about weed, and relaxing, and appreciating the good times and friends and family in life, so what else could one exect? 14.) TRIPPING BILLIES: Two words, Nature Intro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha, I love the beginning when he tacks on the Nature intro. I was sorry to have missed it last time. So yeah, this song is a monster. Boyd going nuts all over stage, Dave dancing like his legs are about to fly off and smash into random people. Carter pounding the skin as though his hands are on fire, and if he slows down his arms will fall off. What a great way to close the set. 15.) DIGGING A DITCH: So this is the last of the four new ones we heard tonight. Again, Dave and Tim played this acoustic a few times last year. It's nice full band, though slow-moving. I like it, though I don't know if it will catch on as a favorite, of mine or anyone else's. But it's about death. (seems to be a recurring theme with these new tunes). I think it is about how death offers an escape from all the pressures in the world each individual will face. Death is peaceful, calm, serene. And final. Anyways, these are the best interpretation of the lyrics. I think they are pretty spot on, as it didn't sound like many of the lyrics were changed from last spring's acoustic versions:
"Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
And turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm old
Digging a ditch where stories told
Where all these troubles
That weigh down on me will rise
Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Where all these worries
Weigh heavy on my heart
Will rise, will rise, will rise... Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
Turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch Cause I'm diggin a ditch where madness gives
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch and when I'm through
Digging this ditch I'll dig in for you
Where all these disappointments
That grow angry out of me will rise Unto your dremaing
When you're alone
Not what you're sure be or what you've become
Just getting heavy on with digging your ditch Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives
I'm digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch and when I'm through
Digging a ditch I'll give one you
Where all these disappointments
That grow angry out of me will rise Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Where all these habits
That weigh down on me will die
Will die, will die, will die... Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
Turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch " 16.) TWO STEP: This was the show closer. And a damned good one! Carter was going nuts. Everyone else was just on fire, it was great. The momentum the band builds up at the end makes it feel as though you can feel the pressure building in your own life, and it's about to explode. I fucking love this tune, and I hope it never takes a break. I managed to make out the majority of what Dave sang as an intro this time. As usual I think it was totally spontaneous.
"so wait now
the wait is so long standing
oh dreaming
i will fall asleep in a bed of dust i wake in up
oh break me out of
this old tent i've caught myself in
and roll my own out on the floor
i'll dance inside from dusk till dawn" | | |
| Well I haven't written in this in about a month. So much has gone on, and nothing has happened, all at the same time. So I got my Dave Matthews Band ticket confirmations Friday. I'm confirmed for Pavillion. I should be pretty close again this year. And it is shaping up to be a good tour. Tim Reynolds is sitting in with the band for at least half the tour, and should be playing on most of the tunes. Wow. The last time this happened was...'98? Man, think how many fans drifted away, after Timmy stopped playing with them. What an integral part of early DMB he was. And I guess he's going to be on the new album, as well. First time since '98's Before These Crowded Streets. On top of the tour, anyone who buys tickets through ticketmaster or the Warehouse gets a free cd at the end of the tour of the "highlights" from the tour. That's going to be sweet. Of course, what they consider highlights and what the core fanbase considers highlights have a way of not matching up more often than not. But free music is never a bad thing. So I have tickets to Blossom. I'm thinking about going to the two Pittsburgh shows at the end of May to start off the tour. And I've been pondering going to the Columbus show, because it's in the Crew Stadium, and that place looks fucking great. The Blossom show is July 30th. Now all I need to do is find somebody to go with me. I suppose I'll ask Chris again if he'd like to go. But knowing him, he'll probably say no. (Surprise!). Normally I'd take Shelby, as she and I have not experienced that together yet. But she has had her chance, and I'm not about to be made a fool of for a third summer in a row. Besides, we aren't exactly talking right now, but more on that later. I asked Donny if he wanted to go on a road trip to Pittsburgh or Deer Creek (for camping), and to see the DMB shows there. He said he'd definitely do the road trip, but that DMB is gay, so he wasn't interested in that. I'm actually considering asking Kara to go to the Blossom show, since I think she'd appreciate the show more. But first I need to make sure it's cool with Donny. I mean, they aren't together, but I don't want him thinking I'm going after his ex. Seeing as how they were together 3 1/2 years, I'm sure there are still some feelings there, one way or another. I would have asked Kelly, but that is out of the question, now. But...more on that...later. Hmmm, there is always my mother. I took her in '99 and '03, so technically she's due. She's been super helpful of late, so she definitely deserves it. Other possibilities include Hannah and Sarah. It just occured to me I've never been to a concert with either of them. Seems strange, really. I forgot Hannah wasn't able to go in '04 because of work. Speaking of concerts, this summer is going to be fucking amazing. Sure, we've got the DMB show, but Counting Crows is coming to Blossom August 26th! They are co-headlining with Maroon 5, which I suppose could be good or bad. I'm no M5 hater, but I considered their most recent album to fall more on the sucky side. But I guess they've got a new one coming out, so we shall see how that one is. Still, I wouldn't pass up a chance to see the Crows if my life was hanging in the balance. So I'll be there. I took my sister to last year's show as her birthday gift. Perhaps I'll do the same this year. But then, there is a Jack Johnson concert this summer, as well. The date of that is the 17th of June, I believe. I'm definitely going to go, though tickets are sold out. Still, I can get a pair of Pitt tickets for the show on ebay for like $275, so I think I will. So much for saving my entire Stimulus check. But I haven't seen JJ since way back in '03, when he co-headlined with Ben Harper. And what a fucking show that was! Robert Randolph showed up out of nowhere to come jam out with Ben and his band. I missed the Mike Doughty show over spring break. But I feel this newest album he has is lackluster. I mean, his show would have been just fine. But I didn't really have the $20 to drop. And more importantly, I didn't have the time. I mean, I spent all Spring Break slaving over my studies. Bah. Speaking of school, I just had my History exam this past Thursday, and I'm pretty sure I smashed it. I just sat down and started writing, and it all came to me. It was great. Now I have to wait until Tuesday or Thursday to find out. So I'm giving my speech on Tuesday. I was scheduled for Thursday, but she allowed me to do it Tuesday, so I could study for my exam without interference of trying to rehearse my speech. She's pretty laid back and understanding. Cute too, but married with kids. So what can you do. Anyways, my speech is on Why we should make it mandatory to teach comparative religion in High Schools across the country. However, I'm thinking about changing it to either Pro-Gambling, Harsher penalties for drunk-driving, or a Pro-PETA stance. That last one of course is just to be a ass, since that girl gave hers Thursday on an Anti-PETA stance. I don't really know much either way, but I feel like it would be somewhat interesting. The speech topics so far have been so damned boring. I keep thinking about the Summer, and the DMB shows, etc. It blows my mind that this summer will mark eight years since Chris and I took our first road trip to see them (to Polaris Amphitheatre ((RIP))) way back in '00. 6-17-00 will forever be ingrained in my fucking memory. What a helluva fucking great time we had. What an amazing fucking show. I remember during part of the last verse to #41, Dave fucked up, but recovered nicely. He ended up singing something about "I know this Winter's been hard on you". And it was just so...real. I mean, Chris and I had both had tough Winters, and hearing that adlib just made everything feel ok. I got to hear the debut of 4 new songs that night, Sweet Up and Down, Grey Street, Bartender and Digging A Ditch. Bartender is still fucking epic, to this day. Grey Street was amazing, and though I enjoy it today, nothing touches those '00 and '01 versions, where Dave would just make lyrics up on the spot. Much like Good Good Time in '04, there were many versions of Grey Street those years that were amazing rather than shitty. Most importantly, that Summer was the last summer of DMB before the Lillywhites were canned (album-wise) and Everyday was released. As great as the band has been over the last two years, and around '02 and '03, nothing touches their pre-Everyday era. Sure there are some decents tunes off Everyday and Stand Up. But there was never really a chance they'd play a bad song before. But ever since '01, when one song ends, there is that initial fear of "oh god is this going to be Dream Girl" or "oh my god please not I Did It". I miss '98 DMB. Fuck, I miss '98 altogether. If I had the confidence back then that I do now, things would be much much different, I think. So I went and saw Courtney a few days ago. I know, I know...I swore I wasn't going to. And I don't have the cash to be taking small road trips. But I had just had a few intense dreams, and I was horny as all hell. She was on Spring Break too, but she did have work. I stayed about half the day, as even though her roommate was gone all week, she had to work that evening. I didn't last very long the first time. But like I said, I was horny as hell. We fucked a total of 6 times, and by the end I was hurting. :( I'm just not in that kind of shape any more. Ha ha, I'm such a piece of shit. I still don't get it, the girl is beautiful. She doesn't have to do this stuff with me. But she seems eager too. She was acting a bit weird, though, so I'm wondering if perhaps she has a boyfriend. The rules are that she will tell me if she does. But I just got the sense she was holding something back. I wish I could say that was enough to give me pause, but it wasn't. At one point we fucked on her roommate's bed. Just for the thrill of doing it somewhere that would piss Jen off if she knew. But yeah, the worst part about the experience was that I barely even thought of Court once during the entire experience. The whole time I was going at it, I kept thinking about Marie, whom the dream had been about. God I know how horrible that is, but I couldn't help it. It was just flat-out wrong, I know. But I try to convince myself at least it helps keep me from actually doing something I totally shouldn't with Marie. Not that she would, of course. Though I'm convinced if I made a move at the right time, she would respond. But she is too young, so alas...poor me. So Shelby and I aren't talking. I mean, I don't know if she even knows what's going on. I sure as hell don't. All I know is we haven't been talking for nearly a month, now. We got in that fight, and I told her that I was going to give her some time and space, and when she had thought things out and knew what she wanted to do, that she should call me and talk it over with me, and we'd move on from there. But I haven't heard from her since. I mean, she's texted me back several times after I've texted her to tell her I miss her. But I mean, no phone call or anything from her. I don't know is she thinks I'm just automatically supposed to know what is going on. The sad thing is that this whole thing hurts. It makes me feel an immense amount of pain. Yet at the same time, I'm ok. Seriously. I thought I'd be a wreck when something like this happened, but being shut off from her is less harsh than I thought. I mean, it's harsh, but over the last couple weeks I've found a new sense of resiliency in me. It seems messed up that I have Shelby to thank for helping me feel stronger by abandoning me. Ok, maybe it isn't truly abandoning me, but I don't know what else to call it. Sure she's busy, what with her German chick there, and dating Doug. But I never once imagined I'd be pushed out of the frame because of either of those two. Let alone when there were some personal issues between us we had to get straight. It has been a total wake-up call for me. I wish I could feel sorry for myself, but I don't. I just keep on keeping on each day. So far it seems to have worked well enough. That's not to say I don't wish things were back like they used to be. But enough has happened--or not happened--in the last few weeks to make several things clear to me about the situation. Nothing between Shelby and I will ever be the same again. Sure we've come to that bridge before and crossed it, but there was always still some hope I had held out for. Because before it was I who had really fucked up, and so I held onto my belief that if I was a good enough friend, and enough time passed, everything would be good as new. But things are different this time. I didn't do anything (well at least enough) to warrant the kind of behavior she has exhibited lately towards me. That night she was cranky or in a bad mood or whatever, but she was being a bitch. And though I constantly spent my time believing in the past that whatever problems we had between us were because of me, I will not stand and feel that way now. I have no guilt about anything in the situation, or any incidents. I was trying to be a good friend, and fulfill the qualities she had said she admired about me, about what I brought to the table as her friend. And because what I said wasn't what she wanted to hear, she went fucking postal on me. And I know she was going through a rough time. But we were all going through a rough time. Hell, not a month or so before, I'd shared with her that I was a bit jealous of her other friends. And she flew off the handle then, as well. She took a situation which I was uneasy and concerned about, and somehow found a way to turn it into my fault, and point out how ridiculous I was being. Sure, it wasn't a major concern, not a big issue, but it was still an issue. And something that her trusted friend had brought to her attention. And I feel her schtick against me for that was unfounded. But events over the last few weeks have clarified things for me. I've been able to step back and see everything in a whole new light, new context. What with Hannah's issues with Shelby over the Zack thing, and of course with her more recent behavior towards me, I realize she's just changing. And not. I mean, she's changing, growing up, and I think she has outgrown this Christopher Robin. I am not changing all that much. Who I am, how I approach things...is the same now as it always has been. Maybe it's been with a little less fire over the last year, but the fundamentals have been the same. And either Shelby is realizing it as well, and also realizes she doesn't really like me as a person, or she's just grown so self-involved that it's become a problem. I personally think it is a combination of the two. After all, she's always been self-involved. To a fault, one could say. I mean, I've known that, and if she's got one downside to her, that is it. But it seems like that self-involvement has grown stronger. Which is sad, because it seems to be alienating not just me, but others such as Hannah, and I guess even Sam. She is the one who has been pushing me away, and I think this latest fight gave her a chance to do so while giving her a valid outlook on it. There is so much more to say, so much that I wish I could say to her. But some of it I can't. Lately she has taken this stance of when having a particular behavior or issue pointed out, a response of "well that's right, because it's my fault" flies out of her mouth. Sarcastic, of course, but again a sign that she isn't taking the issue seriously, or just doesn't want to accept any of the responsibility. So it has become impossible to talk to her (when we were talking) about anything of note. I mean, if she asks for my opinion about something, and it isn't all she wants it to be, it is my fault. If she does decide to let me voice a complaint of mine about her, it's that sarcasm again. And that unwillingness to deal with it on a serious level. But no matter, I see where things are now. I see where I've gone wrong in everything. Shelby used to be perfect to me. I had her up on the highest pedastal one could find. She could do or say no wrong to me. I was willing to do whatever for her to make and keep her happy. But something happened. I don't know if I just lust my luster with her, or if it's just because she has changed enough to the point that she has realized she doesn't have time for me, or what. But things have definitey changed. Most importantly, I don't trust her. I mean, if she thinks I pulled a stunt last June, what does she think this is? This is the second time she has taken an extended period of time away from me. The first time was in direct relation to my own blunder. So that I understood. But now? What, school, exchange student and boyfriend? That's enough to break pretty much all contact with me? That's a load of shit. Hanging out, that is one thing. We had talked about it awhile ago, and I knew I wouldn't see her much for a month. But apparently all the reasons she gave for not being able to hang out apply to the phone, as well? To picking up the telephone and giving me a call to reconsile our differences. To tell me what was going on in our friendship. That is a load of horse shit. She bitches at me when I indicate that I don't believe her that she cares about me, or that I don't think she takes me serious as a friend. But the this shit happens. So what the fuck am I supposed to be thinking? For somebody so upset and hurt by the stunt I pulled last summer, she sure seems to have no problem removing herself from the friendship for a month or so at a time. I thought when she said she needed a moment to think about things, and then talk it out with me and see where we were at, she meant a day or so. Not a month or so. Who waits that long? How bad is it? It's not. I've just become lost in the shuffle. Something that...if our friendship was anywhere near where she would have had me believe--would never have been the case. Her text this past week made me realize she might not even know why we aren't talking. She referred to "if I was ok with her". ME? I'm not the one who fucking flipped out on her for a small incident. I'm not the one who said they needed time away from the situation to figure out where they stood with me. What, do you think I've been waiting all this time for my health? If you want to come in and out of my life, ala Rachael Mervin, so fucking be it. I can't change who is friends with me, and when, and for what reasons. But don't act like you care about me or that I'm some amazing person to you when you can't even take care of business with me. If we do reconcile our differences, I don't ever want to hear her berate me when I balk at her statement of how much she loves me and how much I mean to her, and how I'm her rock and all this other bullshit. I mean it's always a mixed message from her. I reveal to her that if I was her age, I'd be courting her without hesitation, without thought. And she laughs. Then when I reference it again while trying to lift her spirits, I try to make a joke out of it (by being sarcastic at how I wouldn't stand a chance) and she snaps at me. Well what in the fuck would one suspect? Anyways, I grow tired of expressing all this. I'm tired and I need to get some sleep. And there are still a few other things to write about. But my hope is that in all this time Shelby has taken from me, if nothing else, she gains a little more tolerance. Just go easy on me, you know? If she knew what it felt like knowing that I will have to stand at her wedding staring at a guy who I know can't possibly love her anywhere near as much as I do, then maybe she wouldn't be so quick to turn on me. I'm only human. So this is weird, because I was hoping that I would have had Shelby to talk to about it, but when it happened she and I had already not been talking for a couple weeks. I finally decided to get over myself, and any qualms I have about what I can offer to others, etc, and to go ask Kelly on a date. For those silent readers out there who may not know, Kelly is a girl at work, whom I've been crushing on for awhile. We seem to have good chemistry, and she seems like such a nice person. The deciding factor, oddly enough, was the simple fact that her smile makes me feel good. Like it fills in the gaps. When I'd go into work feeling upset, her smile could soothe it. When I was having a good day, and excited over something, her smile would almost seem to be like a confirmation that indeed, things were good. Anyways, I finally decided to grab my balls and pull myself together and ask her for a date. And the night before, by chance I stopped at Circle K, and there she was, buying a drink for Cody. Cody is a guy at work, and as it turns out, she is dating him. So there I am...balls in hand...and failure before I even had the opportunity. It would be different if I didn't know him, but Cody and I are cool. Anyways, it was kind of a big blow to me. But if the two of them should split at some point, I've decided to make a play for her. Disneyworld. I'm working on gathering as much info as I can. Right now it looks like it is going to be about $1,000 per person, give or take. It is all based on what individuals requirements for rooms, etc. are. I will gather all the info, but I can't make the decisions. But I have been kicking around the idea of bringing my two cousings, Grace and Lyndsi with us. They will be like 14 or 15 at the time, and so old enough not to be annoying or get in the way. I don't know if they can afford it, so it looks like it would be on m to find them a way. If anyone is interested, here is the list of people going so far: Myself, Hannah, Sarah, Shelby (if we are cool by then?)? Grace, Lyndsi and Chris. | | |
| So, this is my first second post after the long hiatus.
It's shitty outside. Classes were canceled today. If I
didn't have to work tonight, I'd say "Yay!". But alas, I work so
fuck it. And I think I'm going in early, so I will make this
entry short.
Work fucking sucks. We have this new system called JEBS or some
shit like that. It's ridiculous. Thought up no doubt by
people who haven't worked a day in my area. Fuck them,
seriously. I will still stay a consistent worker, but I no longer
have it in me to push too hard to get as much done as I can. It's
a long process, and I am tired of explaining it. But it
sucks. It doesn't help that every moment I spend working and not
talking to somebody, I get pissed at myself for being a big enough fuck
face to have left my other job. But I am trying to go back to
that, probably on weekend shift. I really hope I can get there.
I'm agitated today, and I know why. We had the day off from class
because of the weather. But it is so bad out there I didn't feel
like going anywhere. So after factoring in that disappointment,
the day is a wash.
I talked to Shelby on the phone last night right before work. We
had a somewhat lengthy conversation, and I believe I helped cheer her
up a bit. She's a bit bummed from choices (which I think are
good) that she has made herself. And the reality of those choices
seemed to set in last night. I wish her well with that
struggle.
Oddly enough, right after my conversation with Shelby, Rachael called
me. Which was unexpected, but very much appreciated. I
think of her daily, as I do all my friends. But when I think of
her there is always that pain that comes with knowning that while we
may be friends, I haven't seen hung out with her in over a year.
But she is good. She is sure she has gotten over Dennis
finally. For the last time. I can only pray that is
true. Regardless of what others think of her, I will always have
faith in her, and I will always love her and wish the best for
her. She will always be my friend. I believe she can break
the chains and ties Dennis had on her. I believe in her.
The question is whether she wants it enough. If she goes back to
him, I will continue to fear for her future growth as a person.
She is a strong person during the times she allows herself to be.
Anyways, I miss her greatly. I wish I got to see her often.
I miss my friendship with her. Early on, I think it was more
about helping her. But she is old enough and far enough in her
life where she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and
looking out for herself. Now I just want my friend back.
She's a good person, and I love her dearly.
I also talked to Marie a week or so ago, and was straightforward with
her about things. I had been honest before, but never
so...sincere..? I don't know. For better or worse she now
knows what I think of her, or however one would put it. I'm
surprised she still talks to me. I basically told her that I
think about having sex with her. And that often, my thoughts
drift to what it would be like fucking her. How crude. And
totally inappropriate, or course. But I decided that in order to
save my friendship with her, she had a right to know. And she
could do with that info as she so chooses. But I don't feel
guilty about it. I mean, they are just thoughts. I would
never actually seek to engage in any sexual activity with her.
Even if she were to come to me and beg, I would say no...much to my own
chagrin. Perhaps the most interesting part of the conversation
with her was one of the questions she asked me in response. She
asked me if I felt that way towards either Shelby or Rachael. And
of course I answered truthfully.
Both being beautiful women, I've thought about them sexually
before. More often than not on purpose, to see how I react to
those kinds of thoughts and feelings. It would be easy for me to
say I could never see myself dealing with them that way. And in
all hoenstly, there is much truth to that. But not absolute truth.
For example, Rachael is somebody I've always seen as beautiful.
But she has spent so much of her life concocting different shells and
skin for herself that to keep up has been maddening. As a friend, she's
always been worth it. But, age aside, I'm still not sure I could
ever see myself with her in any serious manner. And since I love
both of these girls so much, I would never throw away a friendship in
place of a fuck friend. Even though mine do seem to be running
pretty low these days. But that's a different story.
Shelby is another person I've always seen as beautiful. And I
always will. I'm pretty convinced that no matter what I go
through with her in life, she will never be tainted in my eyes. I
mean, I am aware she will make mistakes, and has. And I know I'll
forgive her all of them, even the ones that hurt me deep. But I'm
at that point with her where she has transcended any true negativity
towards her. Which is why I'm so comfortable with her. When
I'm with her I never feel vulnerable. I feel like I'm
immortal. It's as though even sharp gusts of wind wipping against
the holes that are my weaknesses have no affect. I know that if I
were anywhere close to her age, I would strongly court her. But
that is not a reality, so I deal. And I guess in a way that makes
the whole thing much easier to deal with.
Hmmm, I run short on time, but I will finish these thoughts later. If I think of it.
| | |
| So....it's been awhile. So long that I bet many who once read my
blog often no longer bother checking anymore. So I kind of feel
like I'm free to say anything I want in here. I mean, I always
was, but knowing that certain people would be looking at it still
influenced me.
So here are the rules:
If you happen to still check this, or it sends you an update or something and you come here, read whatever you wish.
But DON'T ever talk to me about anything in here. To be more
specific, don't ever use this site as a reference in conversation, via
any medium. For example, perhaps one entry will mention something
particular about my father that may stick in your head. And
perhaps when you and I are hanging out, I begin talking about my
father. Unless I bring up that same statement in conversation
with you, watch your tongue and do not admit you know of it.
Any indication to me that I know someone is reading this will result in
my abandoning the site, and perhaps not even beginning another site.
So even if you are just a casual friend, or a passerby who happens to
see me in person, take care to guard your tongue and don't ruin this
for anyone.
I'm doing this partly because I'm lazy. Partly because I just
don't have time any longer to go making multiple accounts on multiple
websites. Also, I do this because it allows me to feel free from
any eyes, even if that is not true. And because while some of you know
much of what I'll say, or will hear it within time, it will allow an
unfiltered look into my mind. As honest and forthcoming I am with
many of you, it is impossible to be totally objective while talking to
you. That is human nature.
With that said, know that everything I include will be straight from my
head. Some of what I say may seem pertinent to my life, or our
friendship, other things may not. Often times when I write, I
think things out. I will not do that as much here, so some things
may come in huge paragraphs, and others may be shorts thoughts I jot
down before they escape my mind.
Know also that because of the nature of this writing, I will not filter
it for language. There will be little sugar coating, as
well. Anything that may seem as such is no doubt just the way I
write. That means that some things I may talk about openly around
you in person may be said here in much more...crude...terms. If
this changes how you think of me, then I guess you can fuck off.
Everybody is like this to a degree.
Keeping that in mind, it may be that something you read on this site
from here on out may not sit with you well. Perhaps it is with
how I say it, or perhaps the meaning behind the words I say aggravate
you. That is not my problem, so don't make it my problem.
By continuing to read the subsequent posts, you subject yourself to any
pain or hostilitiy or even happiness you may find here. But it is
for you to share alone. If for example, I mention something about
your character that takes you by surprise and genuinely hurts you,
learn to deal with it. Know that unless I say I hate you, I do
not. But we all see things in our friends we don't like as well
as that which we do like. So learn to deal with it. Don't
come to me the next day complaining about it. Don't write a
response to me on here. Don't try to defend yourself or an action
I take issue with. Just leave it be. If you don't have the
ability to take it for what it is and let it wash of you like water off
your back, then you need to LEAVE NOW!!! For some of my close
friends, whom I share almost everything with, perhaps you are not
strong enough, or perhaps you are too emotionally tied to me or my
support for you that anything I say here that brings any hurt to you
will be dwelled on, to the point where it effects when we talk via
phone or hang out in person. Again, if this is the case, I
suggest that you don't read this. If it seems to me while hanging
out that you are insensed with me or something I've said, and I can't
make heads or tails of it, I will come back to this and try to match up
dates between what I say on here and your behavior in "real
time". If I suspect that something I've said on here has taken a
toll on you emotionally, and hence affects you so much that it spills
out beyond these pages and into our daily friendship, then I have no
sympathy for you. In addition, I will close down this site (since
it will confirm that there is indeed a reader out there), and perhaps
even cause me to changes into how I deal with us on a daily basis.
So again, let me stress....to any of you out there who know me and may
be reading this...especially to any good friends I see in real life or
on a regular basis. If you can't handle the consequences of this,
then don't read it. If you need to view this as Pandora's box,
fine. Don't OPEN IT. If you would prefer to view this as
the apple and yourself as Eve, DON'T EAT IT. Exercise some self
control. These are my thoughts and my feelings. And bear in
mind that these are text. Words written down that are my
mind. Everything is relative. There may be things I say on
here that seem evil or upsetting or harsh, but I don't view them that
way, it's just how I choose to write it on that particular day.
Likewise, there may be things I mention, brief or otherwise, that seem
almost light-hearted affair that truly run much deeper in meaning or
importance to me. But this is just text, words put down to try
and capture some of my thoughts and feelings for a single second of
time.
As for my hope or goal in doing this, I really have none. I thought it
might be an interesting experiement, and with that in mind I may stop
it at any time. Bear that in mind as you read these
entries. Perhaps it is best not to get too attached to
this. And since my net time is fleeting as it is, don't expect to
see daily posts. Indeed, if we get in an argument while hanging
out, don't expect me to automatically sit down and write things out on
here. That may happen, or it may not. It may happen in some
instances, and others not. Know that a failure to include
thoughts or feelings about anything on here is not a reflection of how
I see a particular person or event. It may just be something I
didn't feel like writing about. Or I may not have been around a
computer at the right time. Everything is relative.
So with that said, I warn any of you unseen readers out there again...READ THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!
One final thing. I will accept comments from anybody I don't
know. I think this is open to the public, and once or twice in
the past, comments have been left by people I don't know. If I
don't know you, or can link you to anyone I know, then post if you
want. I don't know if this site allows for "visitors" to post,
but if so that is one way to go about it. But know that, if
through your post I can piece together who you are, every
aforementioned action is possible. Likewise, expect that if a
member of this site posts, I will click on that profile and read as
much as I can of the blogs or info to try and see who it is. If I
find out via info or through what is posted in these blogs who you are,
and that indeed you know me, I will again close down this site.
Since all this has been a clusterfuck of rambling so far, you may not
understand all the rules. In that case, I advise you to not read
any further entries. Ignorance is not always bliss, and
defiinitely not in this scenario. Do not come to me and ask me to
clarify anything, and please don't tell me if you think this is a good
or bad idea. Remember, I am not to know that any of you--if
indeed any of you truly do--read this.
When I Dream of Michaelangelo
by Counting Crows:
Well you know I don't like you but you wanna be my friend
Well, there are bodies on the ceiling and they're fluttering their wings
It's ok I'm angry
But you'll never understand
When you dream of Michelangelo
They hang above your hands
And I know that she is not my friend
And I know cause there she goes
Walking on my skin again
And I can't why you'd want to talk to me
When your vision of America is crystalline and clean
I want a white bread life
Just something ignorant and plain,
But from the walls of Michelangelo I'm dangling again
And I know that she is not my friend
And I know cause there she goes
Walking on my skin again and again
Saturn on a line
A sun afire on strings and wires
To spin above my head and make it right
But any time you like
You can catch a sight of angel eyes all emptiness and infinite
And I dream of Michelangelo when I'm lying in my bed
I see god upon the ceiling I see angels overhead
And he seems so close as he reaches out his hand
But we are never quite as close as we are led to understand
And I know that she is not my friend
And I know cause there she goes
Walking on my skin again and again
| | |
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